In one of my first blog posts, I talked about how a lady I work with at the temple set me up with her friend’s son. Last week, this guy texted me. To maintain his privacy, I’ll call him “J.” He wanted to know if I felt like he hadn’t given us enough of a chance to develop the relationship. I’m assuming his mom, who also works at the temple, was lovingly harassing him about not giving things a chance between us. His parents were rooting for us probably more than anyone else. Honestly, it’s hard to answer his question. Ultimately, I realized a little over a year ago, that J and I are not a good fit for each other when it comes to being a couple. That doesn’t make him a bad person, though.
My answer was that we both decided that we weren’t a good fit for each other, that only he could really decide if he’d given things enough of a chance, and that I think he tried. Maybe, that doesn’t fully answer his question. J seemed satisfied with the answer, though. There were probably times when both of us could have put forth more effort. We can always look back on things and see where we could have done better. I do, though, think he tried. Yet, in this case, I believe that the end result was how things needed to happen.
A Little Shilo and J Background
In April 2022, I was sitting in the temple cafeteria during my break. Another worker came over and sat next to me. We got to talking. I don’t even remember how it came up, but she asked me if I’d be interested in dating someone she knew. Within a few minutes, not only had I agreed, but I’d given her my phone number to give to this guy. I remember regretting my decision an hour or so later. Why had I agreed to this? Had I really just given her my number to give to a guy I didn’t know at all? I was tempted to hunt her down and tell her not to give it to him. Yet, I didn’t.
The Beginning of Things
A week or so later, I got a call from J. We ended up talking for a little over an hour that first time. I’ll admit it. He did most of the talking, but J does like to talk a lot. After the first call, I remember thinking that it wasn’t going to work. I listed a number of reasons in my head why we were not a good fit for each other. Yet, I knew that I had to give him a real chance. Over the next month, we talked several more times and texted each other regularly. I grew to like him despite him sometimes talking so much that I didn’t have a chance to talk much.
Roughly a month later, we met up for our first date. J lives in another part of the state, about an hour and a half or two hours away, so it was a commitment for him to come down to see me in Idaho Falls. After the first date, there were a few of those “not going to work” feelings. Yet, I also felt I needed to be patient and see where things needed to go.
A Friendship Develops
Over the next several months, we saw each other roughly every other Saturday. J and I built a good friendship. There were times when I thought that it could be more, but it just never developed into something more. Honestly, I think other people’s opinion that we were great for each other combined with our desire to not end up single for life and a good friendship pushed us to keep trying. One day in January 2023, we were at a restaurant eating. We mutually decided that we were not right for each other. It’s a complete cliche, but we knew that we are just not a good fit for each other. As much as I enjoy having J as a friend, I can’t imagine spending eternity with him.
Then Comes the Judgment
After J and I decided that we weren’t going to date anymore (it wasn’t really like we broke up), people began to question us about what went wrong. It would have been easy for either one of us to play the blame game.
He didn’t…
She wasn’t…
He doesn’t seem to…
She never…
Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about how people do sometimes want to play the blame game when it comes to relationships that don’t work out. People often seem to be looking for a “bad guy” when things don’t work out between two people. While there are times when one, or both people, are to blame, sometimes they just are not right for each other. Yes, that’s another cliche, but it’s true.
After J and I ended things, there were moments when I wondered if we were being a bit too picky. We’ve seen each other two or three times since then and occasionally texted each other. The more time that passes, the more I see how it was the right decision to end things. I built a friendship with someone. We had fun together. I got the opportunity to practice going on dates. My family got a cute dog whose birthday is actually today out of the deal. Happy birthday, Molly! Maybe, those are the reasons for this experience.
Other Things That Aren’t a Good Fit
I’ve been thinking about how things would go if we played this blame game when it came to other things that are not a good fit with each other.
The Sports Star Example
This story is completely made up, but it came to me recently. Suppose there was a great soccer player. We’ll call her Michelle. Michelle is one of the best soccer players in the world. She scores more goals than just about any other player in the world. She’s fast. She’s a great team player. She only spends time on the bench when her team’s way ahead. Michelle is also only five feet tall.
One day, Michelle decides to try playing basketball. She finds out she’s average at best. The other players are taller than her. Her hand-eye coordination isn’t as good as her foot coordination. Michelle is playing against players who dunk the ball. She soon realizes that basketball is not a good fit for her.
Now, she could blame basketball or basketball could blame her.
The hoop’s too high. If it were lower, I could reach it.
Michelle’s too short. She should grow a foot taller.
I don’t know why you have to play basketball with your hands. If you played it with your feet, I’d be so much better.
Michelle needs to learn to dunk. All these other players can dunk. She’s just using her height as an excuse.
The thing is, neither Michelle nor basketball are to blame for their lack of compatibility. Sure, Michelle might enjoy it more if basketball were to become a sport you play with your feet rather than by throwing the ball. Yet, if that were to happen, it wouldn’t be basketball anymore. They just are not a good fit. That doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with either one, though. Michelle is a soccer player, not a basketball player. Basketball is basketball, not kicking the ball into the basket.
These Shoes Are Not a Good Fit
I think we’ve all tried on shoes that just don’t fit us right. Maybe, you can’t find your preferred shoe in your regular size, so you try to shove your foot into a shoe half a size too small in hopes of it fitting. While sometimes that works, often we find that the shoe is too small. Maybe, it’s even a matter of someone who never wears high heels trying to walk in high-heeled shoes. There’s nothing wrong with the shoes or the person. They just aren’t going to work together. Very few people are going to honestly think: “You size 6 shoes, you should fit my size 6 1/2 feet. It’s your fault.”
Odd Food Combinations
As a disclaimer, I don’t remember this happening, but my two younger sisters claim that when we were kids I was babysitting them, and I created a disgusting food combination. According to them, I mixed ranch dressing, peanut butter, and potato chips. They said that it was gross. I don’t remember it, but just thinking about it, I don’t think that it would taste good. Each item, though, would be good. Even the ranch dressing and potato chips or the peanut butter and chips would taste good together. Yet, I highly doubt most people are going to blame the odd ingredient out for ruining the dish.
As I was writing this blog, I thought back on a honey I tried a few years ago. It’s on Amazon, and I definitely would not recommend it. This was parmesan garlic honey. It does sound a bit like an odd combination, but anyone who knows me well knows that I believe that just about anything tastes better with parmesan and garlic added. This would be the exception. I don’t blame the garlic. I don’t blame the parmesan. I’m not going to blame the honey. I will, though, blame the manufacturer. That was not a good idea. Either honey is not a good fit with parmesan and garlic, or the manufacturer went wrong somewhere. Let’s just say that the words “stinky feet” were included in my product review. If you’d like my full honest opinion on this product, you can read my review here.
Why Must There Be a Bad Guy?
Often in life, when relationships don’t work out, we want a bad guy to blame. It could be two people who are dating and decide not to pursue the relationship further. It might be friends who end up heading in different directions in their lives and lose touch with each other. Maybe, it’s even someone who’s worked for a company for years only to find that their job isn’t right for them anymore. In many of these cases, everyone involved might be a really nice person, but they just aren’t right for each other. That doesn’t mean there has to be a bad guy. It just means that it’s time to move on in life, hopefully learning from the experience. Don’t feel bad if you encounter people or situations that are not a good fit for you.
*Of course, there will be times when we will have to work past that lack of compatibility to work with someone. That does not mean that we have to feel guilty about not pursuing that relationship beyond work or whatever situation we are in where we have to interact with that person.
