Earlier this week, I talked about how I started an Emotional Resilience group last week. While the class went well enough this week, ironically I had two moments where I wondered if people were judging me. Take this half-jokingly. In looking back, the other people probably put almost no thought into what I said even five minutes after I said it. If anything, I’m the one judging myself.
What Made This Meeting Different
As I mentioned before, only six people showed up to our first meeting. Yesterday, though, there were a whopping 10 people, nine if you don’t count the lady who came about half an hour late. It was still a small enough group that I think we all felt at least semi-comfortable participating.
When I First Felt Those Judging Eyes
During the group meeting, we discussed the difference between “worth” and “worthiness.” We talked in partnerships or small groups (2-3 people) about the difference between the two. Among other things, worth is eternal, but worthiness changes. I casually made a comment about how I’m sure we’ve all met people we thought would never change. The guy next to me, in what I perceived at the time as a judging tone, said something about me clearly having someone in mind. Honestly, I didn’t. It was a generalized statement.
I can definitely think of some people who fit with my comment. Some have changed for the good. Some have not. Others, I’m not sure. Yet, in my nervousness of feeling like I was being judged, I felt pressured into providing an example. My example wasn’t the best one and didn’t even fit with what I felt.
A better example might have been the guy in grad school who was taking lessons from the missionaries. Every story he wrote in our creative writing class involved him getting high. I don’t know. Maybe, he’s still getting high. I probably shouldn’t have been so judgemental, though, back in 2011 when the Elders told me they were teaching him. Maybe, he sincerely wanted to change and to learn about the church.
Was I Judging Too Harshly?
After the guy’s comment about me having someone in mind, I began to wonder if I was judging too harshly. Haven’t we all met someone who’s definitely not living the gospel standards, who is really far off the gospel path? Please, tell me I’m not alone in my sometimes judgmental judging of people.
Looking back, I’m sure this guy’s felt that way about people before. I’m sure everyone has. He probably wasn’t judging me for feeling that way or saying that. He just assumed that my willingness to make that comment must be an indicator that I was thinking of a specific person.
My Second Time Feeling Judged
Later in the class, we talked about times when someone might experience a situation where they react negatively. The book included a few scenarios. One of them involved being in a situation where there’s someone that you don’t get along with. When asked how we might feel or react, I commented that it depended on why we didn’t get along with the person. I feel like there’s a lot of different scenarios. Is this someone who has strong opinions you disagree with and you find yourself arguing with that person, or is it more of a scenario where the other person insults and degrades you whenever you are around them? I’m going to feel differently about being around each type of person. In the one, I might feel confrontational and angry, and in the other, I might feel embarrassed, ashamed, and want to hide.
Someone in the group commented that they thought it was just that you don’t know the person very well, so you shut down around them. Some of the group seemed to like that scenario better. I decided not to argue, although I still feel like it was about someone you don’t get along with, not just someone you don’t know well.
I felt like they were judging me. After all, they all seemed to agree with the person who said that it was just someone you don’t know that well. Maybe, all of them get along great with everyone else. Maybe, they’ve never gotten into an argument with someone who has very different beliefs from them concerning certain issues. Luckily, it appears they’ve never been on the receiving end of someone’s mean or rude comments. At least, that’s how I felt at the time.
Reflections on the Person You Don’t Get Along With
Looking back, I doubt anyone there was judging me for my comment. We were nearing the end of the meeting. We were running out of time. They likely just wanted to find an easy scenario and answer it quickly. It likely had nothing to do with me being the only one who’s been in a scenario where there’s someone that you really don’t get along with. I’m sure some of them don’t get along perfectly with everyone all the time. I was overthinking and being too judgemental of myself.
The ironic and now semi-funny part of how I felt about other people’s reactions is that the class was about the very things I was feeling and the ways I was reacting. I was overgeneralizing, personalizing, and jumping to conclusions. I guess I was trying to create real-life scenarios so I could better internalize what we were learning in class.
Sounds like an interesting and thought provoking class!! I am sure it was the later, and the other class members just wanted to give a simple and quick answer to be done with the question/ class for the day. Good for you, for being willing to dig deep and really do some emotional, mindful work. It takes a lot of energy for that kind of work… maybe the rest of the class just aren’t ready yet. Give them time as the weeks progress! Can’t wait to hear more about it!
That must be it. They just aren’t ready. No, honestly, I think they just wanted to be done. We were almost out of time for the day, and we still had several pages to do.