It’s time for another writing contest loser. This entry came from “The Chilling Pen Award.” The criteria were that the story needed to be under 1,000 words, it should have a bit of a scary element, and it should involve betrayal. The contest results were announced on Halloween. I decided to write a story about a lady who thinks at first that she’s involved in a magic trick, but she soon realizes things are not as they seem. You’ll have to read on to learn where things go from there. Just know, my story didn’t win.
*If you’re reluctant to read a potentially scary story, this is only mildly suspenseful. Think cozy mystery. I wouldn’t really consider it scary.
*Please note, the subheadings were not in the original story. They are just there to break things up a bit.
This Is No Magic Trick
Shannon woke up with a terrible pounding in her head. As she opened her eyes, darkness surrounded her. She glanced to her right, expecting to see the glowing lights of her bedside clock. It wasn’t there. Maybe, she’d knocked it off the stand. It wouldn’t be the first time. Shannon attempted to reach over to try to find it only to realize that her arms were pinned to her sides. She took a deep breath. It was clearly some sort of magic trick gone wrong. She must have hit her head getting into the box, and it must have knocked her unconscious for a few seconds. If that was the case, though, why didn’t she remember anything about the trick?
Accessing the situation, nothing about this felt familiar to Shannon. Was it a new trick they were trying? She felt more scrunched up than she would normally. The box was too small. She made a mental note to tell Derrick that she preferred their regular box. If it was a buried-alive trick, she knew the time to save herself was quickly slipping away. Shannon focused on the sounds around her, expecting to hear sand or water pounding down on the box. Instead, she heard a whistling sound. Was that the wind?
Figuring Out Where She Is
Shannon turned her head to the left. A glowing yellow light told her that she wasn’t where she’d expected. Shannon smiled despite the circumstances. She’d been doing car trunk escapes for almost twenty years. She’d done her first one just after she’d turned ten. Shannon carefully worked her hands loose from the ropes. Once her hands were free, Shannon quickly grabbed the trunk release. As the trunk popped open, she was again greeted by darkness. Only a few stars were visible through the forest canopy. While she’d been trying to convince herself otherwise since she’d woken up, something clearly wasn’t right.
The Truck Escape
Climbing out of the vehicle, Shannon was grateful that her legs hadn’t been tied together as well. As her feet hit the dirt, she felt the pine needles pricking her bare toes. Shannon winced for a second, but instinct told her that she needed to be as quiet as possible. She quietly shut the trunk and started to creep away from the car, the dry pine needles continuing to poke her feet as she moved as quickly and quietly as she could. After a few seconds, Shannon noticed a dim light almost straight ahead. Part of her wanted to run as fast as she could toward the light, but another part of her felt like running toward that light would mean running right into her captor’s trap. For a few seconds, Shannon had an internal debate with herself. She knew that the wrong decision might mean her death.
A grumbling sound came from Shannon’s stomach, the noise loud in the otherwise quiet atmosphere. Shannon instinctively covered her stomach, wishing she could prevent it from giving away her location. Why had it chosen that moment to make noise?
“I hear you. I hear you. Shan-shan, you can’t hide from me,” a creepy computerized voice taunted her.
Running for Safety
With her heart racing, Shannon made a decision. She had to get away, or she’d die trying. Shannon took off at a full-out sprint, heading in the opposite direction from the dim light. Pine needles, pinecones, and sharp rocks poked into her feet. Several times, she tripped, but she somehow managed to remain upright. She was being louder than ideal, but she hoped that the wind and the owls were making enough noise to prevent anyone from hearing her moving around.
“I still hear you,” the same voice taunted her, but it was coming from the area where Shannon had been previously.
Shannon hoped that meant the person couldn’t really hear her. She continued to run as fast as she could, knowing that she wouldn’t be able to keep up the same pace much longer. Her lungs were burning, and she felt like she was going to collapse. Shannon attempted to control her breathing, knowing that if she breathed too loudly, she might be found. She stopped running for a few seconds. She might be risking her life by slowing down, but if she didn’t give herself a bit of a break, she was definitely going to be found when she collapsed from exhaustion.
The sound of cars driving by quickly registered in Shannon’s mind as she attempted to catch her breath again. Should she head in that direction? Her captor likely knew the wooded area better than her. Once it got light, she knew she had little chance of escaping. If she hoped to make it out of this alive, she was going to need someone else’s help. Shannon started heading toward the sound of the vehicles, hoping that she was making the right decision.
Making a Decision
As the sound of the cars became louder, Shannon wondered how she’d know who to trust. What if she accidentally flagged down her captor? Shannon saw a flash of lights through the trees, and she knew that she was getting closer to the road. She increased her speed, pausing at the edge of the woods behind a tree. After a few minutes, she recognized a vehicle. Stepping out from behind the tree, Shannon started waving her arms wildly, hoping he wouldn’t miss her. The car quickly screeched to a stop.
“Shannon, thank goodness. Where were you? I’ve been driving around everywhere looking for you,” Derrick asked, a concerned look on his face.
“I’ll explain in the car,” Shannon said, rushing to get in. “Let’s go.”
Derrick took off before Shannon had buckled up. She shoved the seatbelt into the buckle and turned to look at Derrick.
“How’d you know where to find me?” Shannon asked.
“I didn’t. I was just hoping I could find you. I’ve been driving around frantically looking everywhere for you, Shan-Shan,” Derrick said.
Panic set in. Derrick was the only person who ever called her Shan-Shan.
Next Time, Give It Time
I like to overthink things at times. I think many people do. After submitting the story, I still found myself thinking about it, playing it over in my head. The contest deadline was October 1st. I submitted my story in early September. I think it was the 7th. This gave me almost two months to think about my story before the results were announced. I wanted a redo. I thought about all the things that I should have done or not done.
If I was to do this over again, I would have held off on submitting the final story until closer to the deadline. I still wouldn’t have waited until the actual deadline, but I probably would have waited at least another week or so. That would have allowed me to read through the story a few more times so I could have made it better before submitting it.
Sprint in a Dark Forest?
At the time, having her run through a dark forest seemed like a good idea. While I still like that idea, at one point, I say that she took off at a “full-out sprint.” By about the third read-through after submitting the story, this no longer made sense to me. Since she’s a magician, did she use magic to avoid running right into anything in the dark? While that might be an interesting idea, she’s not actually magic.
If I were to redo it, I wouldn’t use the word “sprint.” Instead, I would make it clear that she was running as fast as she dared while also having to weave around trees. Logically, sprinting in a dark forest at night doesn’t make sense, even to me. I’m sure that was one of the problems with the story.
Is Her Magic Partner Really Her Captor?
Originally, it wasn’t Derrick who had betrayed her. It was her growling stomach, which gave away her location. I didn’t want to say “her stomach betrayed her” or anything like that. Because I didn’t emphasize that, I don’t think it’s clear that that’s where the betrayal took place.
I was just going to have Derrick there to save her but also have her get a bit paranoid when he seems to show up at just the right time. Unfortunately, with the 1,000-word limit, I wasn’t able to tell the whole story that I wanted to tell. My submitted story was 993 words. My hope was that readers would question Derrick’s innocence as well. Unfortunately, I feel like there isn’t a lot of doubt about Derrick’s innocence. Because of where the story ends, readers are left with the impression that Derrick is the captor and that he betrayed her. That wasn’t my impression as much as wanting people to think, “Was it him or not?”
If I were to do this story over again specifically for this contest, I would have made it clearer that her stomach betrayed her and leave Derrick’s innocence more in question. After all, if they did magic tricks together often, he would have known that she could easily escape.
Where From Here
Because this story really isn’t what I want it to be, I would like a second chance. I probably won’t do this, but I am thinking that this could be a portion of a much longer story (a novel perhaps?). While I enjoy reading mystery, suspense, and clean thrillers, I’ve never attempted to write one myself. The idea for a novel-length story of these magic partners is starting to form in my head. I’m just not sure if this is the prologue or if this is partway through the story.
If I do write it, I guess I’ve ruined part of the plot. Derrick’s innocent. They do magic tricks together. He’s one of the few people she really trusted. Okay, that’s enough. This is me random rambling now. I’m not ruining more. You’ll have to read the whole book if and when it comes out to learn more.
