This morning, I was obsessively looking at the statistics on my book, Feeling Like the Outcast. I’m not embarrassed to admit that I do this pretty regularly, hoping for good news. Well, this morning, I scrolled down, and I saw unexpected numbers in the Best Seller Rank section. My book was #81 in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints books.
Yes, I realize that the rankings are updated hourly, so it was likely just that one hour when it suddenly sold a few copies. Still, for that one hour, my book did better than some of those more well-known names in LDS books. Prior to today, the highest I’d seen my book was somewhere in the low 200s, and the worst that I’d seen it was somewhere around 1000 for LDS books. This was the first time it had crept into the best seller section of any category.
I’d Felt Like Fraud
Anyone who knows me well knows that one of my biggest goals in life since I was a little kid has been to be a writer. When my book was not accepted by a regular publisher, I was discouraged. When I went the self-published route, I felt like a fraud. Yet, it was this odd assortment of feelings. While I felt like a fraud, I also felt like it was something that I needed to do.
This is a bit of a tangent, but I’m taking it anyway. As a fan of sports and the Olympics in general, I felt a bit like that lady who was born in the United States but who competed in women’s halfpipe skiing for Hungary in the 2018 Olympics. Maybe, some of you remember her. I don’t know all the technicalities behind it, but I guess her grandparents were born in Hungary, so she was able to compete for Hungary.
While she’s a far better skier than I’ll ever be, this lady wasn’t up to the standard of other Olympic freestyle skiers. She’d basically ski up and down the halfpipe with the goal of not crashing. Yet, she didn’t do any of those crazy tricks that her competitors were doing. Even though she wouldn’t have been able to compete as a freestyle skier for the United States, she was able to live her dream of being an Olympian.
I began to wonder if I wanted to be a published author just as badly as this woman wanted to be an Olympic athlete. Was I forcing my way into having my book included alongside writers who were far more talented than me?
Last Night’s Discouragement
When I want something badly, I’m often not patient. While I knew that I wasn’t going to become a millionaire with my first book, I had hoped that it would sell right away. Unfortunately, as I obsessively watched how many books were selling, I soon found myself disappointed. Let’s just say that it looked like I might make about half a cent per hour I’d spent on the book. Even that felt a bit optimistic.
Last night, I was feeling especially discouraged. Maybe, it was time to give up. While I wanted my book to sell, I didn’t want to be one of those people who forces my books on family and friends just to sell the book. Honestly, that’s been one of my biggest concerns throughout this whole process.
Last night, I had basically decided that it was time to give up. My book wasn’t good enough. No one wanted to read it. I wasn’t even sure why I’d wasted my time on it. It was probably time to just give up. It was better to just cut my losses and accept that I just wasn’t good enough. For several days, I’d been praying to know what to do. I was regretting ever publishing my book or even thinking that it was good enough.
Best Seller Status at the Right Time
Then this morning came. Even if my book never makes the Top 100 for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints books again, it entered the best seller list at the right time for me. Sure, my books may never be anywhere near the status of popular LDS writers, such as Dean Hughes, Gerald N. Lund, or Sheri Dew. Yet, being included among their ranks, even for just an hour, gives me hope.
I do believe that the timing was perfect. I had reached my limit of confidence in my own abilities. At the least, I felt like this was Heavenly Father’s way of saying, “Don’t give up. Here’s a hint of success to hold you over while you’re patient.” I guess I won’t give up just yet.
So excited for you and to see where this journey takes you. I love when a little encouragement from above reminds us that we are exactly where we need to be!