About a month ago, my younger sister and I encountered the bishop just as we were heading out to take the dogs for a walk. He asked us if we knew about a meeting the next day, Sunday, for Single Adults 31-45. We hadn’t heard about the meeting, but right away I was pretty sure I knew what was coming. They were forming a SA ward, a ward for those who are 31-45 who are unmarried members of the church.
Maybe, I shouldn’t admit this, but I was not excited. In all honesty, I was dreading it. Yet, along with that dread came the thought that if they did form a SA ward, I needed to go.
Praying to Avoid the Inevitable
You can’t fight the Spirit, so over the next 24 hours, I found myself praying. There were two main things I prayed about. First, I prayed that there wouldn’t be a SA ward. After all, if there wasn’t one, I wouldn’t have to go. I reasoned that it could be something else. Maybe they just wanted to see if there was an interest in forming a SA ward. Perhaps, they weren’t forming a ward yet, but they were going to announce that they wanted to start planning SA activities. Maybe, they just wanted to have a short fireside specifically targeted at the unmarried LDS people in that age range. No, I didn’t honestly believe that it would be anything except the SA ward, but I could always hope.
Second, I prayed that if there was one, it would turn out to be a good experience. If I had to go to a SA ward, I wanted the transition to be as painless as possible. Despite my desire for this to be as good of an experience as possible, I knew that I had a negative attitude concerning what was coming.
Then Came the Announcement
My sister and I attended the meeting for singles the next day, and as was expected, they announced a SA ward. To say that I was disappointed would be an understatement. Despite what I wanted to do, I knew what I had to do. I had to go to the ward.
As I started to attend my new ward, I soon realized that I was in the minority. People started to talk in sacrament and other meetings about how they’d been praying for a SA ward for years. One lady talked about writing multiple letters to church headquarters asking for one. I wondered what they would have thought if they’d realized I’d been praying for the exact opposite once I realized what was coming.
I was surprised to learn that some of them had continued to attend the YSA ward beyond the age of 31 simply because they didn’t feel like they belonged in the more traditional family ward. While I could relate to them not feeling like they belonged in the family ward, I hadn’t felt like I’d belonged in the YSA ward either. I’d felt old and out of place for at least my last three years of going to that ward.
I soon realized that I was still the odd one out even in a ward where I was supposedly with my peers. While many people were acting like a SA ward was the most exciting announcement they’d heard their whole life, their excitement made me feel more and more like I was the “odd one out.” If everyone else was excited, why wasn’t I? Was I really that different from other single adults in the church?
Why Wasn’t I Excited?
I’ll admit that I had some really fun experiences in YSA wards, both while I was a BYU student and after I graduated. Unfortunately, when the SA ward was announced, those good experiences didn’t come to mind. Only the negative experiences came to mind. I’ve previously written about some of these experiences. While these aren’t the only reasons why I wasn’t excited about going to a SA ward, these are my Top 3 reasons for my apprehension.
The Drama
Toward the end of my YSA experience, we had a group of women who caused a lot of drama. They were probably all in the 29+ range at that time, so definitely not the younger women in the ward. They would yell at other women if these other women even talked to a guy that one of the women from this drama group liked. These ladies were very possessive of the guy/s they liked, even if the guy didn’t necessarily like them back. I really didn’t want to deal with this drama again. While I know that the ringleader of the group is now married, I’m not sure if all of them have since gotten married. Even if they have, I’m sure there are other women ready to cause male-related drama. I just don’t want to deal with it.
Then again, church drama is not limited to the unmarried members of the church. I’ve encountered drama caused by married members of the church as well.
The Pressure
I’ve been in some great wards where the bishop, his wife, and other older adult leaders (is that the right way to describe them?) were wonderful about supporting ward members and allowing things to happen the way that they needed to happen. They might encourage dating, but dating and marriage for these leaders weren’t the only goals.
Unfortunately, one of my last YSA bishops and his wife were all about marrying us all off. I felt like their whole focus was to marry everyone off. They didn’t seem to care if we grew spiritually, had fun together, developed leadership skills, or built friendships (unless that friendship was with a member of the opposite sex and led to marriage). The bishop’s wife would make a marriage-related comment (or a dozen) during every Relief Society lesson.
My “favorite” was when she told us that we needed to go visiting teaching (now ministering) because the lady we visit might have a cute brother, cousin, or neighbor who was visiting. He might be our eternal companion. We wouldn’t want to miss out on our chance to find and marry him. I’m pretty sure that I’m not alone in feeling this way, but her encouragement to go visiting teaching so we could find ourselves a husband just made me not want to go.
The bishop of that ward wasn’t much better when it came to everything being about trying to marry us off. While I don’t have the statistics, I’d actually say that their plan backfired. I’m pretty sure that ward had one of the lowest marriage rates of any YSA ward that I’ve attended. I just really didn’t want to deal with that same marriage pressure again in a SA ward.
The Failure
When I turned 31 and left the YSA ward, I felt 100% like a failure, partly because of comments that the one bishop and his wife had made. Instead of feeling like I was transitioning to a new ward, I felt like I’d failed out of YSA. It didn’t help that I didn’t feel welcomed by my new ward and at times felt like they really didn’t want me there. I hadn’t felt like I belonged in my YSA ward, and I didn’t feel like I belonged in this family ward. I felt like a failure as a member of the church in general.
When I found out about the SA ward, those feelings of roughly 9 years ago came rushing back. I won’t go into all the details, but there was a time after my YSA failure when the only reason that I went to church was that I wanted a temple recommend. I hated going to church and left most Sunday meetings feeling spiritually drained. Honestly, I needed the temple to counteract the Sunday spiritual drain. I was pretty sure they wouldn’t give me a temple recommend if I skipped out on church every week.
Even though I have slightly over five years until I would fail out of the SA ward, I felt myself thinking back to how I felt nine years ago. I didn’t want to go through that again. For now, I have to not think about it. When I do, I’m not sure that I can handle the feelings of failure again, should it come to that again in 2028.
Pushing You to the Side
This isn’t really a fourth reason, but I just feel like I’m being pushed to the side. Not wanted in YSA? Goodbye, go to the family ward. Not wanted in the family ward? Goodbye, we’ll put you with other unmarried people 31-45. In five years, not wanted in a SA ward? Goodbye, you’re going back to the family ward. They don’t know where I belong because I don’t really belong anywhere.
Why I Think the SA Ward Might Be Good
Ultimately, because of my lack of excitement, I am still feeling a bit like the odd one out when it comes to the SA ward. I’m assuming there have got to be at least a few other people who aren’t 100% excited about the transition. Someone else has got to have at least some mixed feelings. Excitement mixed with apprehension, maybe?
I’ve gone to the ward three times now, and each week, I feel a little better about it. I’m not running around the building cheering about the experience. Yet, I can see that with time, this might (hopefully) grow on me.
When the bishop talked about his goals for the ward, not once did he use the word “marriage.” That alone gives him bonus points in my book. Instead, it was about friendships and building ourselves spiritually. I think he might have also mentioned something about having a goal of this being the best ward ever. Ultimately, building ourselves spiritually while making friends is what’s going to lead us to the right person anyway. Maybe, he’s secretly tricking us into falling for his marriage plans. I’ll take the covert tactics over the more pressured-filled tactics any day.
The ward has also planned an assortment of smaller group activities. Since I know that this is how I’m going to meet people and make friends, thereby hopefully coming to love (and not dread) my ward, I’ve decided to jump in. So far, I’ve gone to the same temple session as some ward members. Yes, I only talked to like three (maybe four) new people, but I talked to one lady for like 10-15 minutes. I’ve also committed to watching a BYU football game with other ward members and maybe joining a book club.
My Hopes for the SA Ward
Ultimately, I hope to come to love this ward. I hope to begin to understand why so many people were overjoyed by the idea of a SA ward. I hope to build friendships and make myself a better person. If along the way, I should happen to meet a guy who I connect with and who I want to spend eternity with, great. If not, though, when late 2028 comes, I hope that the transition to another ward won’t be as difficult as it was last time.
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