In life, we often feel like we have to present ourselves as perfect. Social media often adds to this desire to appear as though we do everything perfectly and have the perfect life. Unfortunately, as we do this, we present an inaccurate representation of ourselves, and in turn, we may make others feel like they’ll never measure up.
One Example
A while back, we had a lesson in church about ministering. The lady giving the lesson had been my ministering sister/visiting teacher for several years previously. During her time as my ministering sister, she did not visit me even once. She’d talk to me about once a year for about 1-2 minutes tops, and then she’d be done for another year.
I’ll admit that I’m not always the best ministering sister. There are months where I do well and other months where I don’t. I could do a lot better. This is 100% judgmental, but I would sometimes justify (at least in my own mind) not being better about ministering by saying to myself, “At least I’m doing better than my ministering sister.”
In the lesson, this sister talked about how she was really good at ministering, and how she and her husband made it a priority. To me, it felt like a brag-fest. She then talked about how the rest of us really needed to do better and how it really wasn’t that hard to minister to others. I’ve never sat in a lesson where I wanted so badly to jump up and scream, “Liar!” or “Hypocrite!” Honestly, there was a moment where I was pretty sure I’d either have to walk out of the lesson or scream something at the lady. Luckily, I made it through the lesson without making a scene.
I’ll be honest. I left this lesson feeling worse about myself. It wasn’t because I wasn’t the best at ministering. It was because I wondered if she really was great at ministering to the other ladies under her care, and if she just had something personally against me.
How I Connect and Learn
I don’t learn well from people who present themselves as perfect. I don’t think I’m unique or unusual in this feeling. Unfortunately, as people try to pretend that they are perfect, they often present themselves as better than other people, prideful, and as though they are looking down on others. I can think of at least two women who could have taught a lesson on ministering, and if they had presented themselves as perfect at it, it would have been pretty close to the truth. Yet, they would never do that. Instead, they would see where they could be doing better, and they would be humble about it.
I learn best from people who admit that they aren’t perfect and who I can relate to. I love the General Conference talks where a General Authority admits an imperfection. For me, this helps me to see that they aren’t perfect and that there is hope for me. One of my favorite General Conference stories is where President Thomas S. Monson and his friend unintentionally started a dangerous fire as young boys. Yes, he was little when it happened, but for me, it shows me that he isn’t perfect, and if he can make a mistake like that (even as a kid), there’s hope for me and others who make mistakes.
There are an assortment of other General Authorities who have shared stories of not following the Spirit, doubting at times, or making other mistakes. These stories and lessons stick with me, because I can relate, and I feel like they are admitting that they, like me, can do better.
Why We May Misunderstand Being Perfect
There are a variety of scriptures that tell us to be perfect. I think for many of us, particularly as members of the church, we feel if others realize that we aren’t perfect, they’ll judge us for this. We don’t want people to know that we’re struggling, or that we make mistakes. After all, other people (of course) don’t make mistakes. They can do a million things without falling apart or struggling. We have to be able to do just as much as these other people. Unfortunately, this attitude comes about because of pride and comparing ourselves to others.
Perfection is not going to come in this life. It will take time. It’s also important to note that perfection does not mean we have to do everything on our own. Asking for help and admitting that we can’t handle everything on our own does not take away from our quest for perfection.
Why We Should Not Try to Appear Perfect
Because of our desire to appear perfect, we may sometimes try to hide our imperfections. I remember a Young Women’s lesson from when I was about 16. We talked about journal writing. I remember one girl saying that while she writes when she’s really mad, she always tears out those pages and throws them away. She didn’t want her prosperity to think that she was always mad or to see that part of her.
This lesson was over 20 years ago, but that part of it stuck with me because it felt so wrong. I don’t have a lot of records from my ancestors. The ones that I do fall into two categories. There are those stories where it appears that everyone got along perfectly, that they never fought, and that they always remained true to the gospel. Then there are the stories of imperfect people, people who make huge mistakes that have harsh consequences, including death.
When I think about this girl’s desire to present only her good side, I think about these family stories. The ones about the perfect families aren’t all that interesting to read. They feel fake. I know that no one gets along great all the time. I can relate a lot better to those people who aren’t perfect. It makes me feel better about myself and realize that everyone makes mistakes. If I were this girl’s (now women’s) posterity, I would definitely want to read about the times when she was struggling spiritually or when she had a hard day.
There’s a reason that 4 Nephi just kind of skims over roughly 200 years of people getting along. There’s a lot more for us to learn from the people’s imperfections than from the times of peace.
Where Can We Be Perfect?
For the most part, we are not going to be perfect in this life. Perfection is going to come in the hereafter. Fortunately, there are a few areas where we can be perfect now. Here are a few that came to mind for me:
Tithing
We can be perfect in paying our tithing. Anytime that we get money, we can give our 10%. Is that always easy? No, but as we regularly do this, it becomes such a habit that we will begin to just do it without thinking about the money.
Regular Prayer
Your prayers themselves are unlikely to be perfect, but you can be perfect in the goal of how often you pray. Ideally, this would be at least every night and day. As you never miss a prayer, you will likely find that the quality (and not just the quantity) of your prayers become better.
Scripture Reading Frequency
We are unlikely to be perfect in the quality of our scripture study. If you’re anything like me, you get distracted. There are days when you have no idea what you’ve just read. There will be times when you might read less than you should. You may even encounter days where you fall asleep reading or rush to get in a verse or two at the end of the day. Yet, you can be perfect in your scripture reading frequency, reading daily.
Other Habits
As we work toward being more and more like the Savior, we will find that we are perfect, or nearly perfect, in a variety of habits and behaviors. Maybe, you no longer have a desire to lie. Perhaps, you are perfect in attending the temple every week or in remembering to study the Sunday School lesson. Maybe, you follow the Word of Wisdom perfectly.
Final Thoughts
Ultimately, being our best imperfect selves is important. While we can strive to be perfect, being imperfect but trying is a lot better than pretending to be someone or something that we aren’t.
