This week was a monumental sort of birthday for me. While the day itself wasn’t especially memorable, the significance of the number hit me a little hard. Let’s just say that I was halfway between 20 and 60 earlier this week, but every second that goes by, I get a little closer to 60 and farther away from 20. Okay, yes, I turned 40 this week.
Since 20 in some ways doesn’t feel like that long ago, it’s starting to hit me that 60 isn’t all that far away either. Maybe, I’m beginning to suffer a bit of a midlife crisis. If someone had asked me 20 years ago where I’d be at 40, very little of my life would have resembled my current life.
*Some of this post might feel a bit woe-is-me and depressing. I apologize if it comes off that way. If it gets a bit much, skip ahead to the heading “Where Things Are Better Than Expected at 40.”
Crushes and Marriage Plans
Let’s address the elephants on the screen. Yes, I always thought that I’d be married by 40. If someone had asked me when I was a kid, I would have said that it would happen in my early 20s.
My Early Crushes
It definitely isn’t that I don’t like men. I had my first crush at 3 or 4 years old. He was a waiter at Pizza Hut. There was the reading program they did where you’d get free pizza if you read books. My older sister got the coupons, so we went to Pizza Hut several times. Yes, the waiter was probably old enough to be my dad, but there was something about 3-year-old me that found this guy attractive. Honestly, I don’t remember what he looks like now.
Pizza Hut guy crush was followed by a guy from my 1st grade classroom, Kevin McCallister (AKA Macaulay Culkin) from “Home Alone,” and an assortment of other guys, both who I knew personally and celebrities. I’d like to claim that I was never boy-crazy. I was never the girl whose crush the whole school knew, but I definitely had my fair share of guys that I liked growing up and as an adult. Maybe, I should have been more vocal about those feelings. Maybe, then something would have happened.
Obsession With the Date
When it comes to marriage obsession, I’d like to believe that I’m not like some women. Perhaps, that is right in a way. Some girls/women obsess over things such as their wedding colors, the dress, or the ring when it comes to planning their wedding. Not me. I obsessed over the date.
Most people who know me well know that 13 is my favorite number. I can remember being about nine years old when I decided that I wanted to get married on a Friday the Thirteenth. By early adulthood, I was well aware of when the next few Friday the Thirteenths were going to happen. In case you’re wondering, the next three are September 13, 2024; December 13, 2024; and June 13, 2025. Then there’s, of course, the alternative of getting married on a date that would put our 13th anniversary on a Friday the Thirteenth. If I want to hit that while I’m still 40, that leaves February, March, and November 2024.
Okay, I’ll admit it. Even at 40, I’m still a bit obsessed with my nine-year-old goal of a Friday the Thirteenth wedding. Who cares if I haven’t found the right guy? Okay, we might have to eliminate both February and March for next year. They’re a bit too soon (especially without the guy), and both November and December might be too close to my birthday. Plus, December 13th is smack dab in the middle of my birthday and Christmas. I guess that leaves September.
Where I Saw Myself at 40
Where did I see myself at 40? Honestly, as a kid and even when I was in my 20s, 40 seemed so old. I can remember both of my parents being 40. My dad turned 40 just before I started 5th grade. My mom turned 40 while I was in 7th grade. I remember thinking that they were old. Now, I realize that they weren’t that old.
When It Came to Family
I’ll admit it. From a young age, I decided that I wanted 5 kids. I’m not sure why it felt like the perfect number. I guess it’s a big family (at least by today’s standards) without feeling like it’s overwhelmingly big. I didn’t have exact timeframes for when these children would be born, but if I’d thought about it, at least the oldest ones would have been teenagers by the time I was 40.
In some ways, this stings a little. Most of my high school and college friends have several children. Many of them, including those younger than me, are done having children. Assuming that I do ever get married and have children, my kids will likely be closer to many of my friends’ grandchildren’s ages than their children’s ages.
Yes, I realize many people have children in their 40s. Lucille Ball was in her 40s when she had both of her children. Many other people have children after 40. Adoption is possible. I may, though, have to lower my ideal number of children. Five really isn’t realistic at this point.
Careerwise 40-Year-Old Shilo of My Dreams
When you read church magazine articles about the woman (or in some cases, man) who didn’t get married until she was older, she always seems to have had an amazing job. That hasn’t been the case for me. I’m not saying that a great job replaces a family, but many of those articles make it seem like at least if you don’t get one, you’ll be blessed with the other.
Since I was a little kid, I’ve dreamed of writing and publishing books. I figured my first book would be published by the time I was about 25. It always came with the understanding that this would happen through a publishing company. Within a year or two of my first book being published, I’d put out the second. A third, fourth, fifth, and more would quickly follow.
What Really Happened Careerwise
After completing my undergraduate degree, I sent a book to multiple publishers, all of whom rejected it. During this time, I worked as a substitute teacher and then as a one-on-one aid for developmentally delayed preschool children. Those weren’t my ideal jobs. It felt discouraging.
When I went away to grad school, there wasn’t a doubt in my mind that I’d complete my degree, find a great job, and probably find my eternal companion along the way. Yes, Heavenly Father’s probably laughing at me right now, thinking how wrong I was in my assumptions.
Since completing my graduate degree, I’ve done many of the same jobs that I did before grad school. I substitute taught for a while, hating it more than the first time around. I did some writing for a few freelance writing sites, none of which pay great. For several years, I got up at 3 or 3:30 in the morning five to six days a week to teach English online to children in China.
Along the way, I applied for 1,000+ jobs teaching English, editing, and writing. For every 100-150 jobs that I’ve applied for, I’ll get one interview. Yes, super discouraging. In one interview, the interviewer even said that if he was in my place, he wouldn’t even consider the job. It would require moving, they wouldn’t pay any moving expenses, it didn’t pay that well for the area, and the job was a one-year contract. Thanks for at least letting me know.
I’ve also sent books to publishers only to have them rejected. Yes, I did self-publish a book recently, but in many ways, I feel like a fraud. It wasn’t good enough for a publisher to publish it. No, I’m definitely not where I thought that I would be at 40 careerwise.
Where Things Are Better Than Expected at 40
Sorry, that was all a bit woe-is-me and depressing. While most of my life has felt like it took a negative turn from what I planned, these negative things have allowed for something good that I never imagined in my life. Since June 2018, I’ve worked as an ordinance worker in the Idaho Falls Temple. If I’d gotten married, I probably wouldn’t be doing this. If I had kids, it’s highly unlikely that I’d have this opportunity. I might still be able to work at the temple if I had become a highly successful writer, but I doubt that being a temple worker would have been on my radar even. If I had a traditional daily job with set hours, I wouldn’t be able to take off in the middle of the day on Tuesdays to serve at the temple.
While I have moments of feeling like I’m falling apart spiritually, because of my opportunity to work at the temple, I feel like I’m overall in a better place spiritually than I would be without it. Someone recently shared a quote at church about how it’s about making progress more than the speed of your progress. This made me think of the tortoise in the story about the tortoise and the hare. Slow and steady wins the race.
I may not be where I had hoped to be at 40, but I feel like my temple service has allowed me to be better prepared spiritually for whatever is going to come my way in life. Do I always believe that? No, which is probably why I need to record that right now. God’s timing doesn’t go according to my planned timeline, but I have to trust that His timeline is so much better than mine could ever be.
40 Is Really Just the Beginning
Just before I started this blog post I came across a friend’s Facebook post. The timing was perfect, both because of my recent birthday and because of my plans for this blog post. It wasn’t a coincidence that he posted it today. Here it is:
Life really begins at 40. Up until then, you are just doing research.”
– Carl Jung
Well, I guess I’m done doing the research, and I’m ready to start living.
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