I’ve started this post several times. Then I don’t like the direction it’s going, so I’ll start in another direction, rename it, and try something else. I think perhaps part of the problem is that I do struggle to find that right balance between helping and serving others versus being willing to stand up for myself when someone is taking advantage of my willingness to help them. There have been times when I’ve later thought that I really should have been of more service to someone, and then there are other times when I realize that I’ve allowed someone to take advantage of my kindness. I should have stood up for myself better.
As people seeking to follow Christ, we are often taught that we need to be of service to others and love them. We may begin to feel like kindness and love means we have to forget about our own needs. While unselfish service is important, that does not mean that we should allow others to take advantage of our kindness and love.
Honestly, for me, this is a difficult balance to achieve. I know that I need to serve others, but I struggle to establish proper boundaries so others are not taking advantage of my kindness or guilting me into doing something.
Kindness or Letting Her Take Advantage of Me?
Several years ago, I had a friend who didn’t have a vehicle. Because I had one, she would often expect me to drive her back and forth from places. While I didn’t mind driving her places when she asked nicely about it, before long, it became a matter of her just expecting it. Two separate incidents stand out as a bit of wake-up calls.
Had to Wait Too Long
One day, I dropped her off for a work-related meeting. She was unsure when she’d need to be picked up. I had other things that I needed to do, so I let her know that I was going to run some errands. She could text me to let me know when she needed to be picked up, and I’d come as soon as I could. Based on when I figured she’d be done, I thought I’d be able to get some groceries, drop them off, and then pick her up.
She ended up texting me about half an hour earlier than I anticipated to pick her up. I was still at the store at the time. Instead of taking anything home, I quickly purchased my items and went to pick up this “friend.” I ended up picking her up about five minutes later than I would have if I’d come straight from my house.
When I arrived to pick this lady up, she was angry at me. She said that she’d had to wait too long and that she was beginning to think that I wasn’t going to come. Honestly, while I was hurt she said that, I also felt guilty. Was it selfish of me to want to get some errands done while I waited for her to be done? Should I have just stayed at home and done the errands later? Was I a horrible friend for making her wait those extra few minutes?
Who Will Drive Me?
Probably two months later, I had a meeting for my church calling one evening. My friend had somewhere she wanted to go that same evening. When I told her that I couldn’t drive her, she again got mad at me, asking me who was going to drive her since I clearly couldn’t.
Again, I felt that guilt. I was letting her down. I found myself feeling torn. Should I drive her and skip the meeting? After all, she needed someone to drive her. Was I being a bad friend by wanting to attend this meeting rather than drive her? Luckily, I was able to suggest someone else who was able to drive her. Still, she was annoyed that I would do something else when she needed a ride.
My Realization
It was only later that I realized how much she was taking advantage of my kindness. When she needed or wanted my help, I’d basically drop everything to help her. Looking back, I realize that most of the time, having her wait a few extra minutes, or in some cases, until the next day, wouldn’t have hurt either one of us.
I feel like often we’re taught in life that if we find someone we’re struggling to get along with, we just need to serve that person. Then we’ll come to love that person. That might work great sometimes. That did not work well with this lady. The more I served her and showed kindness, the more she began to think that I should be ready to help her anytime and in any way. I was starting to feel guilty when I was unable to help her as quickly or as often as she expected. While in reality, I was going above and beyond to be kind to her, I felt like I was failing. In a sense, I was failing. I was failing myself.
If I could do things over again, I would have established better boundaries early on. Maybe, I would have said that I could only drive her places a certain number of times a week or that I was only available on certain days. Perhaps, I should have encouraged her early on to find someone else to drive her or at least to have a backup driver option.
Does Grumbling Still Count as Kindness and Service?
I’ll admit it. When I know that someone needs help and I’m specifically asked to help, I struggle to say “No.” This includes when I have to rearrange my plans to accommodate that person. It includes when I really want (or in some cases, need) to be doing something else. It includes when it’s not convenient and when I have to make a real sacrifice of my time to help that person. It’s the worst when it’s a family member or close friend who needs help.
While several examples come to mind, the one that stands out right now happened during the winter. A family in our ward was moving. They needed help cleaning and organizing their home to sell it. For several days, people came to help this family. There weren’t a lot of people willing to help, so I found myself driving in the snow on icy roads (which I hate doing) to help this family multiple times. The weight of helping should have gone to a variety of people, but it was mostly a small group of us doing the work.
I’ll admit it. I was a bit resentful. I grumbled, although mostly on the inside. Because of my negative attitude concerning helping this family, I’m not sure that my service was really out of kindness. I’m not sure that my grumbling help counts for much.
Then There Were the Times I Didn’t Help
Unfortunately, there are also times when I could have helped someone and I chose to ignore the need or assume that someone else would help. I think most people have had those moments. Maybe, you’re burnt out on helping because this is the third post-surgery meal sign-up sheet that’s been passed around Relief Society in the last month, and you helped the other two times. Perhaps, the person offended you or you don’t know the person well. Maybe, you just don’t feel like being of service on that particular day. Maybe, you justify in your mind that you’ll give someone else a chance to help.
Just yesterday, I had one of those moments. Three years from now, it probably won’t be a particularly memorable experience. It’s fresh in my mind mostly because it happened so recently. It happened at the temple (which I think counts as a double sin for not helping). Another temple worker had a cup with ice in it. She dropped it, and the ice spilled on the carpet. Instead of stopping to help her, I held back. There wasn’t a lot of ice, so in my mind, I justified that she could easily pick it up by herself. Besides, I was several feet away from her, and some people were closer to her. They could help her if she needed help.
While this is true, the nice thing to do would have been to help her. When a temple worker, who is probably a good three and a half decades older than me instead bent down to help this lady, I definitely felt myself being called out for my lack of kindness and love.
Finding that Balance Between Kindness and Self-Care
Of course, there have been times when I’ve helped someone, and I’ve known that it was the right thing to do. Then there are times when I’ve stood up for myself when it wasn’t in my best interest or the best interest of the other person for me to help them. Yet, I am definitely working on figuring out that right balance, as are many people. It is important to remember that while serving others is important, taking care of yourself does not mean you’re being selfish. It’s just about finding the right balance.
