Several years ago, I was in a YSA ward where we had a lady I’ll call Patricia (not her real name). Patricia was very physically attractive. She had also done something that gained her a bit of local fame. Because of this, many of the guys in the ward wanted to go on a date with her. More than anything, it seemed like they wanted to just be able to brag about having gone on a date with Patricia. If you asked them, several of the guys would admit that while she was physically attractive, she was also not that nice of a person.
I’ll admit it. I was a bit jealous. Patricia was getting asked out on dates regularly, and I wasn’t.
What I Thought Then
I know I shouldn’t have judged Patricia at that time. I didn’t even really know her. Honestly, I knew who she was, but I don’t think I ever had a conversation with her. Yet, to me, at least at the time based entirely on what others said about her, it seemed like she was beautiful on the outside but a bit of a jerk on the inside. Looking back, I’m pretty sure I was a bit harsh, which I will discuss later.
Attractive on the Outside
While I did probably judge Patricia a bit harshly, there are things in life that we will encounter that are attractive on the outside but not in a deeper way. The media, particularly movies and television shows, often portray sin as attractive. You can’t have fun if you’re not drinking alcohol, smoking, or living a life of loose morals. At least that’s what many in the entertainment industry would lead us to believe. Yet, as members of the church, we know that’s not true. Sure, living in such a way might feel fun for a while. Eventually, though, if you continue down that path, you’ll miss out on the blessings of eternal happiness.
What I Realize Now
For some reason, I’ve found myself thinking about Patricia lately. Suddenly, I put myself in her place. I’m sure Patricia’s not dumb. She knew what these guys were doing and why they were doing it. Whether they knew it or not, they were using her. They didn’t really like Patricia for Patricia. They wanted to go on dates with her because she was attractive and because she was a bit of a local celebrity. How would I feel in her place?
In her place, I’m not sure I would be super nice to these guys either. I would want someone to ask me out because they liked who I was and wanted to get to know me better, not simply so he could brag about going on a date with me and so he could up his coolness factor with his friends. I can’t blame her for being a bit standoffish or for maybe not always being super polite to these guys. In her place, I’d probably react in much the same way.
Attractive Offers
For those with an outside perspective, these date offers might look very attractive. Maybe, for Patricia, they were at first. Yet, I think Patricia saw these offers for what they were: attractive on the outside, but once you dig a little deeper, the appeal was gone. They didn’t want to get to know her because they thought she was a great person. They just wanted to go on a date with her so they could brag about it. If that was the case, I actually think she was perfectly justified in being a little mean to them. She wasn’t really the jerk. They were.
As we allow the Spirit to guide us, we can gain this same level of understanding. We can come to see when something is only attractive on the outside. This could be the job offer that requires you to bend your morals a little. It could be a friendship that’s leading you down a bad path. Maybe, it’s the media you’ve been consuming or a book a friend recommends. Whatever it is, recognizing something that’s attractive on the outside but potentially harmful on the inside is important.
The Big Takeaway Lesson: Be Careful How You Judge
I’ve mentioned this several times, but I didn’t know Patricia as more than just that lady in my ward. I couldn’t tell you anything about her personality. I can’t tell you what she liked or didn’t like, her favorite color, foods that she liked, or basically anything beyond how she looked and why she was a bit of a local celebrity. Looking back, several of the guys in the ward talked about how she was attractive but not very nice. I don’t think I heard any of the women who knew her say the same thing.
This has reminded me how important it is to be careful how we judge others, especially based on what others say about that person. We don’t know how much truth is in their words. If I’d paid attention to the women instead of the men, I may have thought that she was a really nice person.
It’s easy to fall into the habit of gossiping about people. Even if you’re telling the truth, it’s probably good to consider Thumper’s advice: “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say nothing at all.” Yes, it’s a double-negative, but you get the point.
My Own Struggle With This
Lately, I’ve been struggling a bit with not judging others based on what other people say. Over the last few months, I’ve heard some negative things said about two guys in my ward. Both seem like good, decent guys, and in both cases, I doubt the person knows these things are being said about them.
With the one, it’s more small things that annoy them about this guy, and unfortunately, it has made me notice these small annoyances. Ultimately, it hasn’t changed my opinion about him a whole lot, though. He’s got his faults, but ultimately he’s trying to be a nice person.
With the other guy, the things the other person said about him have made me look at him very differently. I question whether this other person is telling the truth about him or whether it’s at least a bit of a misrepresentation. Based upon this new “knowledge” I have about him, though, I see him differently. There’s a loss of respect, which I’m not entirely sure is justified. It’s a hard situation because I don’t want to judge him (especially without the full story), but unfortunately, I can’t unhear what I’ve heard. Maybe, it’s time to get to know him well enough that I can judge for myself the true nature of his character, something I never bothered to do concerning Patricia.
